08/12/2008 by ALISTAIR RHIND.

Understanding an Alcoholic

I am an Addiction Consultant Therapist. When I ask new clients to tell me what they have come to see me about, they often say

 “Well, I have been having a few drinks recently but I’m not an Alcoholic.” Or perhaps, “I‘ve maybe got a drink problem but I am definitely not an Alcoholic.”

It is rare in normal conversations for people to say what they are not:

“I’m not a giraffe or Blue Whale. I like the company of men but I’m no Queer”.

We usually say:

“Hi, my name is Fred and I work in a Quarry, my wife’s name is Wilma and my best friend is Barney.”

The trouble with Alcoholism is that those who suffer from the condition would rather be anything else.

“Hi my name is Rudolf and I don’t have a red nose but I am relieved to be Bi polar.”

The trouble with the poor suffering Alcoholic is that he is trying so hard to not be one because he knows deep down that he is - a paradox of Alcoholism.

Make no mistake, the Alcohol Addict is suffering and struggling with desperate ambivalence; contrary beliefs about himself and about his drinking. He cannot make up his mind if Alcohol is his friend or his enemy and sadly his solution to the problems in his life is also the cause of the problems - another paradox of Alcoholism.

The Alcoholic is not unlike the battered wife or battered husband whose self esteem, self confidence and ego strength has been so eroded by the abuse, they deeply doubt their ability to function outside of the situation. They believe that they are so useless, how could anyone else ever want them and how could they ever cope on their own?

This is the nature of the Alcoholic’s relationship with his best friend Mr Booze. They have been best buddies for many years. Their relationship has deepened and strengthened. Gradually and then rapidly they have become inseparable. If he could verbalize his inner thoughts the Alcoholic might say: “Who am I without my best pal? Without Alcohol I feel only half a person, alone, lost, misunderstood, confused and desperate. I don’t know how to cope without drink in my life yet it keeps on dragging me further and further down, beating me at every turn, robbing me of every last once of good feelings I ever had and replacing them with shame, doubt, anger and guilt. Why do I drink you might well ask? I drink because I feel so desperately bad, deeply ashamed and broken. If you were to ask what about, I would have to admit, that my drinking causes all that – the paradox of Alcoholism.

Alistair Rhind

http://www.addiction-recovery.co.uk

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03/12/2008 by ALISTAIR RHIND.

Things can improve if you change your behaviour If you are a mum, dad, husband or wife; girlfriend or boyfriend or best friend and your loved one is in the grip of addiction, do you have the power to control their behaviour?You may be able to temporarily put restraints on the addicted individual with some form of control or other, but this in no way deals with or solves the problem.I spoke to a young man the other day who told me:  “I’m secretly drinking at the moment; my wife would kill me if she knew. When I get the chance I know I will drink a bucketful. Left to my own devises I would be completely out of control.”Control only delays the inevitable return to out of control drinking or addictive behaviour. By definition an addicted individual has lost control and choice. He or she may still have it some of the time but they are increasingly losing control as each week and month roles by.  When we try to control their addictive behaviour we engage an inner struggle between the addict inside the person and the loved one we are trying to help. The ‘inner addict’ tends to become more powerful when this happens and the sufferer becomes more lost inside, more hopeless and feels even weaker in relation to the pull of the addiction.We have to learn to behave contrary to our impulses; we have to let go of control and begin to make choices for our own sanity. By fighting with addiction our own behaviour tends to become unreasonable and irrational.

• Do get help for yourself
• Learn what not to do. 
• Slow down
• Get as much information about addiction as you can
• Stop being reactive
• Accept that you cannot control the addiction
• Realise that you did not cause it
• Learn that you cannot cure it
• Protect yourself and the rest of your family
• Know that if you get help for yourself it will increase the chances of the addict accepting help.
• Quit nagging, bullying and manipulating.
• You can love people to death - tough love is what is needed with addiction

A. R.

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